It’s a subject I’ve always pondered on. That amazing ability we have to see the best in our friends, believe in their successes, love all the brilliant things about them and champion their dreams, yet, when it comes to ourselves we have a mental block. So often, we downplay our wins, magnify our failures and fail to see what’s great about ourselves – often things which are staring everyone else in the face!
Let’s face it, we are putting up blocks in our lives and holding ourselves back. The longest relationship we can ever have in life is with ourselves, yet we fail to maintain and take care of it. We focus on what is most comfortable to us, even if that means perpetuating a vicious cycle of doubt, misery and pain. We go to battle with ourselves and fall into bad habits that are not only not self-serving but can be totally harmful to us.
Here, I’ve outlined 9 ways, we can change our story and learn to become the best friend to ourselves that we choose to be for others.
Warning – these are not for the faint-hearted.
- Take a positive, not negative focus
This is definitely more difficult than it sounds. Changing your focus requires you to essentially break the habits that have served you (or not) to date. All those times you’ve belittled yourself, found fault and put yourself down – requires a major shift in thinking! Most of us are unaware of the unconscious dialogue (or self-talk) that plays like a record on repeat in our brains. To make this change, you need to adopt some different strategies. For instance, you could try taking time out of the day to positively declare and praise yourself, your skills and attributes. It might seem a bit ‘woo woo’ but it’s a proven way of improving your self-esteem and happiness. You could include phrases such as: “I forgive myself”, “I let go of my past”, “I treat my body well”, “I love being myself”, etc.
- Because you’re worth it
Not just a line in a beauty product commercial but a belief you should take to heart when being your own best friend. Most of us equate failures in our lives with being failures as people. Don’t forget that if we outsource self-esteem and worth, we will always end up dejected and feeling like miserable failures. This is because our thoughts, opinions, beliefs and expectations that we use to measure our value are beyond our control. They constantly shift, causing us to feel like losers. To thrive, we need to build an inner and innate sense of worthiness. Start by not comparing yourself with others – you are unique and gifted with amazing qualities that make you the amazing person you are.
- Stop taking yourself too seriously
This is not about mocking yourself in a vicious way but in the general banter you would experience with a good friend. Find amusement in the little strange things you say, think and do – your foibles. When you stop taking yourself so seriously, you can be more accepting of your unique characteristics – the key things that make you, you.
- Accept your flaws
We can all recognise that no-one is perfect but too often we focus too much on what is wrong with us, than what is right. A best friend will accept you warts and all without passing judgment. So, therefore, why are we so harsh on ourselves? Not only is acceptance the healthier option, but it also opens doorways that allow you to solve your problems, rather than drowning in them.
- Become self-aware
The key to this is knowing yourself, get up and personal with your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and motivations. Understand and investigate the ‘why’ – know the reason you think, feel and behave in a particular manner. Self-awareness is an essential ingredient in any healthy friendship and relationship
- Enjoy your own company
Many people (myself included) hate being alone. We crave the company of others and look for companionship and support from those around us. However, to get to know and like yourself, you need time alone, away from the distractions of everyday life. Learning to value time alone is essential in developing a stronger relationship with yourself. If you can’t enjoy your own company, you will struggle to be your own best friend.
- Emotionally support yourself
A genuine best friend has our best interests at heart. When we are upset or stressed, they offer us comfort and support. They have an innate knack of making us feel better. However, too often we don’t apply the same emotional support to ourselves. We often mask our pain through temporary distractions that can be harmful and / or addictive. We often choose self-pity and self-sabotaging behaviours such as alcohol, drugs or gambling. We need to learn to confront how we feel and tackle it head-on rather than trying to bury our heads in the sand. I appreciate how challenging this is but it is essential to both our growth as people and building our own self-resilience. When we listen to our emotional needs and open ourselves up to our vulnerable side – tackling pain, grief or disappointment, we can then take the appropriate steps to help salve the hurt we feel in a healthy and productive way.
- Do a daily act of self-care
When was the last time you took care of you? When you did something completely self-indulgent that made you feel special. It might be half an hour with a good book, a warm bath, relaxing massage treatment or a special meal. Whatever it is that makes you happy, take the time and put the effort into doing something for yourself every day.
- Listen to your body
Many of us treat our bodies as an afterthought. We neglect, ignore and abuse them, and then wonder why we suffer from a range of physical, emotional and psychological problems. We wouldn’t treat a best friend in this way. If you are tired, look at getting more, better quality sleep, if you feel sluggish review your diet and exercise habits (or lack of them!), and if you’re in pain look at a) what is causing it and b) what you can do about it. Too often we ignore the symptoms our bodies are presenting with until finally, exhausted, they break down and then we wonder why!
The steps to becoming your own best friend take time and practice but will guarantee you live a healthier and happier life. Self-reliance is the one trait you can keep forever.
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